a few more thoughts on grief
[Ron is wearing a mask, a black t-shirt that reads “Get with the times” and black shorts and shoes. He is in a room with a bunch of taiko drums and is banging a taiko drum.]
Ron sent me this photo a few years ago when he was taking a taiko drum lesson. Many years ago I remember we went to the Ottawa Spring Festival where we heard taiko drummers. It was the first time I’d heard them and it was really wonderful.
I learned two things in this process of grieving Ron:
Even though we were divorced, I got this feeling of panic over his death. I realized that it is because Ron is one of only two people who have taken care of me, protected me in a way: Charles being the other. So with his death, I feel like that protection is gone.
I didn’t really understand that I wouldn’t be able to check in with him regularly anymore. At all. I went through all our e-mails over the years and our messages and texts that I still had access to. We were in touch regularly for many years. It is hard to lose someone you have known and loved for forty-two years.
I am continuing to grieve and let myself grieve with Charles’ lovely support. I spoke to a friend who said that two years after losing a relative, she is still grieving and it comes up randomly. I haven’t felt this severely shaken by the loss of anyone before.
Ron believed in living in the moment and celebrating it. That is what I am trying to do in his honour. Here is the start of a playlist I began yesterday of songs we listened to and loved in our time together.
May you find a way to celebrate something today.
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