backsliding

diabetes, junk food and me...

IMAGE DESCRIPTION: fallen orange poppy petals and a poppy bowed by rain on green grass in a residential garden.

backslide is a religious term which means to abandon faith. here i am using it to reflect a recent junk food binge and a temporary abandonment of discipline and a regime i have been following religiously for four years since my diabetes diagnosis in March 2022. with Charles i share a Nanimo bar or cookie a few times a week. i have the occasional croissant, or a few chips from a friend, but i don’t binge junk.

here’s what happened: i enjoyed an afternoon living room reading hosted by a friend. great poetry and fiction in a relaxed atmosphere. there were snacks after and great conversation.

i was careful about what i ate. i focused on the veg and cheese. then i had just two of the mini cookies.

at a pub with friends, writers and artists after, i enjoyed enriching conversations and given the gloomy weather, i had Guinness. not one, not two. Readers, I had 3. it was over a long period but still. 3. sigh.

i walked homeward. feeling uninhibited and undisciplined. but not up all the logistics of arranging sex with a stranger, something that often assuages that need to let go and be wild.

the grocery store was near. i made an impulsive decision. i dashed in. walked to the aisle that i never go anymore, the one with all the chips and pop and chocolate etc. I got a bag of Wavy Lays and a bag of dark chocolate Reese pb cups. after i paid, a cashier, absurdly, ran out to give me a strawberry ice cream drumstick. it felt like destiny. i devoured it as i walked in the light rain. the sticky ice cream on my fingers. i threw the paper on the pavement. then i started in on the chocolate. i kept littering. i was a jerk. i knew it. i did not care.

at home in bed, i ate more. chips and chocolate. maybe half the bag. then i collapsed. then i woke up when the fire alarm went off at 230 am. i was thirsty. my head muzzy. i put on my clothes, grabbed my purse and carefully walked down 19 flights. chatted with a fellow tenant. enjoyed the cool air as we waited. a false alarm thankfully.

I've had moderate amounts of high carb foods since my diabetes diagnosis in 2022 but i have always stayed in control. this was a wild unhinged episode brought on by overindulgence with alcohol. i won't make excuses but…summer is a fraught time for me.

so i backslid. i momentarily abandoned faith in my body and my will. i let myself go. i doubt it will happen again any time soon. it probably won't significantly affect my diabetes management. next hba1c test is August.

perhaps for many of you, a little junk food binge isn’t important, but for me, i run the risk of returning to a lifestyle of such behaviour, combined with a genetic predisposition to diabetes. i am not food shaming myself or anyone else by writing this post. i am taking accountability for my actions, reminding myself that i am human and hoping that i will be able to return to my discipline and stick to a healthy for me diet.

to be honest, i found the chips to be way too salty and the chocolate sickly after awhile. i love the homemade meals Charles and I make, and the snacks we have: fruit, nuts, pepperettes, cheese, a few crackers, all in moderation. I don’t want to return to a diet of the junk I used to eat. I don’t want to regularly indulge in too much booze. A pint or two now and again is fine for me, but too much and it’s a pathway to extreme behaviour and lack of inhibition.

i am not looking for commiseration with this post. it’s mostly a reminder to myself. no need to tell me your stories or admonish me or correct me in any way. i don’t want that. for me, it’s not serious to have this junk food binge. it just means i occasionally might break out and do this sort of thing. but dear sweet darling self, please don’t make a habit of it.