hard decisions and knowing your abilities

dear readers,

yesterday i wrote to you about the overwhelming feelings i was having. thank you for all your caring and supportive responses. i had to make the difficult decision to end the thing that was causing me stress. it was work i had no knowledge or experience in. i took it on because it was a lot of money and would have helped with rent. the work was important work too. i wish i could have risen to the challenge, but instead, I couldn’t sleep, my blood pressure levels rose, i couldn’t do the things i wanted to do because i was having to deal with the stress. it was just too much.

many years ago i had similar feelings of overwhelm when i worked at a job i wasn’t qualified for. it was awful. it got so bad i couldn’t get out of bed. i know many people deal with professional challenges in their work all the time and i admire you for doing so, but i have to do what feels right for me. i don’t know how i can make money doing so, but i wasn’t doing too badly before this new opportunity came along. i was eking out a bit of money with editing contracts, and other activities more closely related to my abilities. in the future i will be careful about saying yes to something i am not qualified for, even if the money is good. it isn’t fair to the client or employer and those i would be working with and it is too awful for me and for Charles, both of us having to live with my overstressing about things.

i am likely disappointing the client but the job hadn’t really gotten underway yet, so i take comfort in that. maybe i haven’t fucked up too much yet. sigh.

now i return to reviews i have to write and soon a copyediting gig in the summer, my own writing and more time to be with Charles. this morning we spent time in the pool and it was lovely.