If I Needed You
Beast Body Playlist
While in hospital I didn’t ask Charles to bring my headphones so I could listen to music. I felt like it would be too hard, make me cry, make me feel too much, but music plays a big part in my life and in my writing.
I drafted the original manuscript while listening to Nine Inch Nails, the Downward Spiral. I speak about this with Susan Johnson of Friday Special Blend.
While the book was in its final stages of production, I went through it again and found songs that represent for me the tone of each section. I’d like to spend a few of these Substack newsletter issues highlighting some of the songs and some aspect of the relevant section of the book.
Here’s a link to the Spotify playlist and here’s a link to the Youtube playlist.
I dedicate the book to Dr. Poulin, the surgeon who saved my life, the paramedics at the Gladstone Paramedics station that responded to Charles’ 911 call and of course, to Charles.
When I was first on the ward on the 7th floor of the Ottawa General Hospital, I was disoriented and confused and grateful to be alive, but missing Charles badly. Apparently, at some point, I kept asking the nurses if they’d called my husband. In one delusion, one nurse said, “what makes you think he wants to see you.” Shudder. This is how the delusions were. I was paranoid, scared. They seemed very real to me. No, they were real, at the time.
I pined for Charles so badly, that in my sleep when my roommate snored, I felt some comfort.
You will read in the book about how Charles had a choice between my dying in ICU or on the operating table. I am so very grateful to him for choosing operating table, even though the doctors told him I had no chance of survival.
While I was in ICU he was there all the time. I don’t know this from my own knowledge but from him. When he came to see me once I’d been moved to the ward, he told me what happened to me. I still don’t really know things from my own point of view, but I do know that he took care of me in ICU, monitoring all the stuff, the ventilator and the various things I was attached to, and informing the nurses of anything that seemed odd. He developed a good rapport with the nurses, and was even there for other patients’ families in the ICU waiting room, talking to them, asking them how their own family member in ICU was doing. He had to cope with my being unstable and critical in ICU for two weeks, at the point of death. Then on the ward for another two weeks. When I came home, I was still very fragile. He took care of me, went to work after a little time off and he took care of our apartment. It was a lot. In ICU, one of the nurses told him that some spouses don’t stay there and some even leave the spouse in ICU. I still get tears in my eyes thinking about how much Charles has been there for me, for everything.
Traditional marriage vows include the vow “in sickness and in health.” In this case, it was in vomit, in shit, in blood, in intubation tubes, in ambulances, in unstable health, in shouldering every single physical activity of life while I was in recovery, washing my hair, doing the dishes, changing my ileostomy appliance, cleaning up my shit, just everything. I love this man so much that I am once again here with tears in my eyes, just writing this.
Society values those who do not need. To need is considered a bad trait. Don’t be needy, we’re told. But I needed Charles. I needed the surgeons and the hospital staff. Charles needed the support of our dear friends, who were there for him to talkto, who drove him to the hospital, who brought him food. To this day, I will fight for these friends if I have to, I love them so. We all need. Need is not a bad thing. To need and to take care of one another, that’s what it is all about, isn’t it?
“If I needed you
Would you come to me,
Would you come to me,
And ease my pain?
If you needed me
I would come to you
I'd swim the seas
For to ease your pain”
Townes Van Zandt
If you’re willing to share, I’d like to know about your own experiences with need, whether you have been the one who has needed or the one who has helped someone in need. Let’s normalize need. It’s necessary.
Beast Body Epic is available from AngelHousePress. I will also be reading it at open mics in Ottawa and in November, at readings on Zoom, in Montreal and Toronto. Stay tuned. I feel really happy about the publication of this book and about the opportunity of sharing it with you and connecting at readings to talk about all of these things and just celebrate being alive!