Meltdown

Winter argghhhhhh

On Saturday, I had a meltdown. I have them from time to time, but especially in winter. I feel trapped when weather keeps me indoors. I have an urge to flee as if I am inside a burning building. Getting out feels like survival. Staying in feels like I'm being buried alive. I don't know why I have these meltdowns. Charles is so patient, loving and understanding.

When I couldn’t take it, i rushed to bed and bundled under the covers. Of course, I'm too claustrophobic to put my head under. At this point I just felt done with everything and everyone. I felt pain and panic and anger.

At first Charles takes responsibility for my meltdown but it wasn't then and it is never his fault. Once I am able to start talking to him…and he sits or stands nearby without encroaching on my space, he lets me talk and cry. I reassure him that he is not to blame. He thinks part of it is a lack of light. So later that day we go outside and walk to Art House Cafe, have coffee and talk. And it really helps. The next day we go to Ten Toes. But sometimes we won't be able to get out. If it's icy, for example. I really hate winter. Loathe it. I'm writing a long poem that engages with my winter loathing. There should be a word for it.

I have so much to do. There's more snow in the forecast. I feel trapped.

I hate cars. It's another full on hatred I have. I love walking. That is the only mode of transportation that I love and can trust. All the control with me. I put up with buses and I kind of like trains. When it gets slippery out, I do not have control because walking becomes precarious. During my recuperation from my health crisis, especially in the winter of 2009, I was unsteady on my feet. I walked the halls of my building because I was too weak to walk outside. It felt as if the floor wasn't solid. I was expecting to fall through at any time. I always feel like this now at this time of year ever since I almost died.

I am restless and broken and broke and not up to working on things or doing my fitness class, although that will help, so I'll probably do it. I feel destructive, a need to just make everything go away.

It didn't help that of late I was the unreasonably blamed recipient of several people's I don't know frustration or anger maybe. I do a lot of community stuff but people sometimes treat me as if I'm their servant. It is weird and uncalled for. I lashed out in one case. Sigh.

Yes, a grocery delivery went awry but normally I can handle it. I don't feel like I can handle things right now.

Childhood comes to mind. Fights and drunken out of control behaviours I witnessed during xmas, layoffs causing financial insecurities, exhaustion. I fucking loathe xmas, its consumerism, the burden of expectations put upon mothers and wives especially. I have none of those burdens, thankfully. Charles and I do not exchange gifts and all we do is enjoy all our time together. I get frustrated at not being able to get things done due to other people's holiday breaks. And now of course the postage strike. I'm on the side of the workers but it does add to the mayhem.

I do love decorating our tree. Charles suggested after my meltdown when we were still waiting for the rectification of the incorrect grocery delivery, that we decorate the tree. And it was fun and lovely. Full of all the sweet memories, with ornaments we have gotten over 23 years of a life together. It calmed me.