non existent / obsolete jobs i'd be good at

finding joy in difficult times / job hunting

as i apply for yet another silly job where i’m asked to elaborate about my top funnel and mid funnel experience, it’s very easy to become disheartened. instead, i have come up with jobs that i would be good at. (real or imaginary)…

Library Tour Guide

I would show you around my favourite spots in the library. I’m a frequenter of the Main Branch, Ottawa Public Library (until it moves, then I’ll have to learn all over again. One of favourite places: The Ottawa Room where there are numerous limited edition chapbooks and former magazines by Ottawa writers. I found bpNichol’s the Cosmic Chef there!

Paid Companion

When I google this, I get job listings for personal support workers, but this is not what I mean. I mean that we would talk, play cards, drink tea together, take a walk. I would read whimsical stories and poetry to you. I would bring you flowers and hand-painted bookmarks. I would recommend whimsical books. We would read together.

Doodle Buddy

Similar to a paid companion except with big pads of construction paper, magic markers and a space with a long table that can be marked without worry of getting into trouble for the marks we would leave there. I’d also be happy to doodle in paint on walls and floors and desks and chairs and tables.

Café habitué/Poet-in-residence

I have long dreamed of being a poet-in-residence for local and favourite cafes. My price might be just free coffee (Americano with a splash of cream).

Customized Playlist Maker

Ask anyone, I make good playlists. I like themes. I once made a mixtape for the little restaurant down the street from me, Corner Peach, because I love it so. I like the idea of doing the music for a film or tv show. I’m always making playlists for my works in progress or finished books and chapbooks. Here’s one for my manuscript, Welcome to Upper Zygonia. An excerpt from the manuscript is coming out as a chapbook by Full House Literary in late February. Watch this space for launch news! [OH! and here’s a link to an interview I did with Katy Wimhurst about WTUZ.]

Synaesthete

I have grapheme synaesthesia. I associate colour with letters of the alphabet, days of the week, months, numbers and … pain. I’ve always had it. I could read through your manuscripts and offer you colours from the words you use. Perhaps you’d like to add more green to your texts. “Anatomy” is a good emerald green word. See how helpful this would be?

Phone Sex Operator

I used to joke that when I was 80, I could become a phone sex operator. I have a very sexy voice. I wrote erotic fiction for a decade. I have a filthy imagination. Little did I know that technology would make this position obsolete. Now folks cam and show themselves on video for money. I’d rather just use my voice. I think hearing only voices and not seeing people can be very intimate and alluring. It has always sparked my imagination. I would love to read audio books for money. Hey! It seems like that’s a real thing!

If you think of any jobs a word nerd with sporadic attention span and a hate/ambivalent relationship to technology, please let me know! My Linked In profile no longer has the job, “Word Stripper at the Bumpf and Grind:” for obvious reasons.

I recently read some advice from an editor at Write or Die [and now, of course I cannot find the reference…] to “lean in to your weird.” So that’s what I do, want to do. I don’t even think I know how to wear nylons or a bra anymore. I think of Marlo Thomas in That Girl or Mary Tyler Moore in the MTM Show, career girls in the 60s/70s. I can take a nothing day, and certainly make it all seem worthwhile [to quote the MTM theme.] I wouldn’t mind flinging my hat in the air and swirling around, but I don’t think that job is available now.

What are some imaginary or obsolete jobs you’d be good at? Let me know in the comments please!

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