Note on being daunted

and why that's ok...

Image description: upside-down couch outside on grass.

Since Charles’ layoff last November, I have often/sometimes felt like this couch looks. I am in a world that is the same but upside down. I sometimes have trouble finding my footing. There is no time for tentative steps. I must be bold and daring.

Today I begin a new short-term contract that is good paying. I am grateful that I will be making rent for a few months. I think the work will be interesting. I am daunted by it. And to be honest, I am daunted and have been daunted by life in general and every thing about it since I can remember.

Daunt, according to Etymology online is a 13th century word meaning to conquer. I like the 14th century variant which means to tame.

For me, daunt is a grey word evocative of a deer. I feel vulnerable, and humble. Unsure, and yes, tentative. Here is “Deer—Sketch from Nature” by Arthur Fitzwilliam Tait American, born England, from The Met Museum’s collection of public domain art. ca. 1882

Image: black and white oil painting of a deer in the woods.

I don’t have the luxury of not doing this or anything else because I am daunted, and I actually do want to do this for many reasons.

Like this deer , I have to keep moving even if I’m afraid of what lies ahead. I worry that I am not capable of doing this and any other task. I have to quiet the little voice inside that tells me how ridiculous I am, how silly, how incompetent. I have to deal with this voice constantly. Especially these days when most everything I do is outside my comfort zone. So many new things to learn at 60.

I don’t know this deer’s story. They look young. Maybe they need to find their mother. Maybe they are evading a predator. They have stopped for a moment and are looking out into the dark wood.

I am going to be gentle with myself. I am going to tell myself it will be ok. I will take the next step into the dark wood and make sure I have my footing, then move forward. That’s all I can do.

What daunts you these days? How are you managing in this shitebox of a world?

By the way, have you seen Do Not Expect Too Much from the End of the World? It’s an exceptional film about a woman who is a production assistant in Romania, trying to do her job, being overworked and figuring out ways to cope. It’s brilliant and somehow strangely heartening while being altogether a very odd film. I highly recommend it.

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