notes on being platonic

losing a part of myself

in the tv show, Hacks, i related to this one episode where whenever the young comedy writer, Ava, who is bi, tries to engage in conversations with strangers, their response is “i have a boyfriend/girlfriend.”

she is confused by that response. she wasn't hitting on them, merely attempting to be friendly, to establish connection.

from the time i was in my mid thirties when i made significant life changes, moving from a monogamous relationship of almost twenty years to singlehood to a second open marriage, i have openly articuated and shared my journey, my coming of age story.

after a traumatic childhood where my sexual maturity was coopted by a predator, causing confusion and the need to be numb to avoid harm if i exposed my desires or vulnerabilities, a therapist helped me to accept what happened and understand that i was a survivor. out of that moment of understanding ultimately i learned not just to give myself permission to feel desire but also to rejoice in my ability to feel love and desire at all, given my background.

looking back on my growth into adulthood, it became clear to me that i have never been monogamous. that i felt love and desire very broadly. what i wanted most was to love infinitely and to give pleasure.

i was fortunate to happen upon Charles, serendipitously in 2001 and we realized we shared values and attitudes and proclivities. we explored together and separately, rejoicing in the connections we each made and commiserating when these connections fell through or were broken or destroyed.

i had many sexual adventures with men. i enjoyed momentary flings and a few long term sojorns. in my late 50s, i finally realized or accepted/stopped ignoring? the fact that my feelings were not heterosexual but pansexual, not limited to just men.

throughout this journey, some have been supportive and even publicly or privately admiring of my willingness to be open. others however have made fun of me, called me names, typecast me as some kind of freak. i have always felt alienated by mainstream conventional prescribed norms, so this was just another expected outcome. it resulted in existential loneliness and a yearning for kindreds and i am grateful to have found a few of them.

in 2023 i realized i hadn't sought physical sexual activity with anyone but Charles and myself since 2022. a few people had sought me out virtually to play a bit in 2023 but that was it.

i also turned 60. my libido hasn't decreased much. it was very wild toward the end of menopause.

last year i decided i was going to be platonic with everyone but Charles and me. i was tired of having Ava's experience where everyone assumed i wanted a sexual relationship with them. i got the impression that this assumption made people feel uncomfortable around me. even though my openness about my sexuality is accompanied with care and a strong sense of ethics and a need to have consensual relationships only. be that as it may, i withdrew from any consideration of any kind of sexual relationship with anyone other than Charles and myself. it is very important to me that everyone feel safe in my presence, that they can talk to me about anything without fearing i have some kind of predatory agenda.

yet my sexuality is so much a part of my identity and how i see myself. did you ever read Philip Pullman's His Dark Materials? remember the characters who had daemons? these daemons were part of them. when the evil people wanted to separate them it was painful, as if they were losing their souls. my sexuality is like that for me. my daemon. i feel a little lost in this new platonic reality.