Nothing To Lose

a contemplation whilst walking

Image description: white fluffy clouds in a blue sky

It occurred to me as I was enjoying a walk in the blustery cool morning today that I have nothing to lose. I had HyPurply (my headphones) on and was listening to Patty Griffin sing The Cape: “life/Is just a leap of faith/Spread your arms and hold your breath/Always trust your cape.”

Just before I left my apartment, I received an e-mail from the City of Ottawa to let me know that I did not get a Creation and Production Fund for Established Artists this year. I don’t get them every year, but I’ve received a good amount of support from the City until the last few years. Now I can’t seem to get grants anymore. This year, that $5500 would have been really helpful. Ah well. The manuscript I had submitted for the grant can now be abandoned. Every single poem I’ve submitted to journals except one from it has been rejected. It was called “The Economy Blues.”

I have no commitment now to this manuscript. I can walk away from it, start something new for the next application next January. Creatively I have nothing to lose. I felt free. Charles suggested that we may need the money next year more than this year anyway. Good point. When you win a grant from the City of Ottawa, you aren’t eligible the next year.

Soon I will begin working on my grant applications for the Ontario Arts Council Recommender Grants for September. But at the moment, there is nothing at stake in my creative writing. I have a final report to write for this year’s OAC grants to be submitted in August, but since I write them as I go along, it is almost done.

I could be blue about the lack of a grant that would have covered three-months’ rent when we really need it, but I’m ok. I knew it was unlikely. I’m listening to Patty Griffin and taking long walks, hanging out with Charles, getting little bits of paid work as an editor and review and event host, through subscribers on Substack or via my Buy Me A Coffee page (thank you, paid subscribers!). Every little bit counts. And creatively I can do what I want, when I have time and an ability to focus.

I like to write about walking, and women, real and imagined as I have done already a lot. The Economy Blues was more personal, directly related to my financial struggles with lots of concrete detail about budgeting, food and rent. It wasn’t as playful and oddnik as my usual stuff.

I will walk and listen to Patty and other amazing women musicians and let myself go, be free to create….