Ongoing Grief Notes

Yesterday on a grey morning, I took a long walk with the thought that I would listen to my favourite podcast, Between the Covers, and have coffee at a favourite cafe. I am having trouble focusing on my work.

I did manage to listen to some of David Naimon’s conversation with Alice Oswald. In the middle of the night, having trouble sleeping, I read some of her Memorial, a version of Homer’s Iliyad which is wonderful for its similes and ways of memorializing dead soldiers. I have an idea that I might like to write about Ron’s love of racing Laser sailboats in a long poem that uses Memorial and also Nobody, her later book as inspiration, and perhaps Homer too.

What I ended up doing was sitting on the patio of Planet Coffee on a cool and blustery grey morning, thinking about a time when we had chatted over coffee at the cafe once or possibly twice in the winter several years ago. I changed to the Spotify playlist of music we had enjoyed together and began a walk. I found myself trying not to cry openly as I walked along, but I did cry. I saw a building where we had looked at office space downtown once. The grief when it comes is painful both physically and emotionally. Later that night I talked to Charles about it and we listened to the playlist together while I talked about the memories the songs inspired. It helped.

I have gone through all our e-mails and messages, and noticed just how much we have been in touch over the years, even helped one another with things such as legal help, and being one another’s emergency contacts for passports at some point. Ron was my friend for 42 years and supported me and encouraged me throughout, even when my decisions resulted in our no longer being a couple. He helped me and demonstrated his care and friendship for me again and again. He was the most important person in my life after Charles. Toward the end, I didn’’t want to monopolize his time or take up his energy. We did manage to say what we needed to say. I knew that he was grateful for the time we had together and bore me no ill will for leaving him in 2000. I have known that for a long time. We were dear friends who loved each other.

I have gone back to the obituaries in the Winnipeg Free Press and the Ottawa Citizen to read what others have written and it has helped. A few friends who knew Ron have also made comments on my FB page, which has also helped.

When we separated and divorced, I set aside my memories of our eighteen years as a couple, and moved on to the life I was in, the moments I was living, the challenges and joys I had. And when we resumed our friendship, I enjoyed those times too. But now that he is gone, all the memories of our time as a couple are flooding back. Many, many happy memories. For example, I saw an ad for this herb fest out of town that Ron and I went to a few times and loved. Made me weepy.

I know that it takes time to grieve and it is a process I have to go through. I also know that Ron would like me to enjoy the moment and celebrate the time I have with Charles.

I also know that many of you have gone through or are going through the death of a loved one and I want you to know you are not alone. I guess this is one of the things that all humans share. We must all lose those we love and live anyway. If you have lost a loved one, you have my condolences and my solidarity. Sending you the strength and love to get through this.

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