The Haunted

Beast Body Epic Soundtrack

This is for section VII, the final section with songs from the soundtrack.  A version of the poem was published in Assignment Zero, a series of responses to Crosscut Universe:  Writing on Writing from France, ed. & trans. Norma Cole, published by above/ground press in 2015.

This section was written about six years after my health crisis. I still found myself remembering that woman in the ICU bed.  Haunted by the feeling that I was abandoning her by leaving her.

I still remember lying in my bed on the ward, close to the window and waiting for the crows to show up at four pm as they did every day, a need for some kind of regularity, predictability. How it comforted me.

There were several ghosts in my delusions: a little old lady who kept calling out the word “smoke” over and over. She had a New York accent. I wasn’t sure whether she needed a cigarette, or there was a fire. Later on the ward, I heard her when I wasn’t having a delusion. It was the sound of the hospital’s heating system turning on.

Another ghost was the looming shadow that appeared by my bedside and offered me its hand, which I did not take. In a low voice, it said, “silence.” This still gives me shivers.

Sometimes I believe that what has happened since I left the hospital on November 27, 2009 is not real and I am still lying in ICU, having nightmare delusions.

Oh I feel ghosts

Feel their breath

Upon my neck

Oh I sense ghosts

Ghosts all around me

The Haunted, Dot Allison

Here is The Haunted by Dot Allison

Thank you to those who have been reading my notes on the songs and the way they resonate for Beast Body Epic. And to those who’ve taken the time to write me about reading these. It means a lot to me that these posts connect with you. If you’d like to write me to talk to me about your own experiences with health crises, I’d love to hear from you.

You can listen to the Spotify Playlist or the Youtube Playlist for more music that I chose for Beast Body Epic.

You can purchase Beast Body Epic here.

Or if you’re in Ottawa, let me know and we can meet for coffee/tea and I’ll bring you a signed copy of the book. There will eventually be a reading in Ottawa. Stay tuned! Readings in November in Montreal and Toronto and on Zoom too!

I have other plans in mind for more posts to do with Beast Body Epic. Stay tuned!