To walk with abandon

today i needed to abandon myself and the familiar. i wanted to be lost. mission accomplished. by the end of this excursion about 20 kilometers worth.

near water , near willows, Freddie Mercury in my ears. i wandered. i went round in circles at one point.

i passed this fellow twice i think.

i fell down a few rabbit holes and i did what i wanted to do: i became one with the landscape, its weather: the wind, the green, the rain.

I was pink azaleas on a bush in a front yard. i was nobody..i was my footsteps one in front of the other with no goal in mind.

i have been wanting to be nowhere for as long as i can remember. it is truly the only place where i feel myself.

out in nature i am not self conscious about all i cannot do or how i am too much for others. i don't have to rein myself in. the views and the weather as intense as me. a feast for the eyes and the heart.

no such thing as too much blue, too much green. no confining how utterly gargantuan my mind and heart feel. this space is open to me. it welcomes me it understands that my attention to it, my care, my attentiveness is my way of showing honour and care.

i see beauty in what and who doesnt fit in. i feel tender towards my misfit kindred spaces and beings, those who need to be alone but also need to see themselves in others. i can imagine myself rambling alone, a ghost in an old mansion.

i crave to be lost...lost in the green. i am not who you think i am.

i wuther. i feel alive in a storm. i want to be wrapped up in it and transported. i want the clouds to devour me. i want. so much the intensity that i am to be in others who want too.

i want to find those who others can't even look at because they are too intense. i don't want to be practical or paying attention to to do lists or schedules.

i am not solid or corporeal. i am ozone and petrichor and fog and smoke..i drift in and out of supposed to and ought to and should be.

i don't know. a long walk is my way of being me. no aim. just go..i am limited by what my body can endure. for now. I'm starting to realize that the constancy and kindredness i crave is in these walks. on a day where life did its usual mean turn, not allowing me to experience planned delight, i let go and loved myself as nothing…i merged with my surroundings. i disappeared.

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